Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
