Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
