dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
