Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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