in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize