I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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