I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
