Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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