Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
