I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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