can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
