also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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