You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
