Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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