Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
