when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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