my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
