it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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