apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize