I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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