Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
