So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
