they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
