I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
