Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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