I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
