I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
