happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
