Dude my mom stole all your condoms
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
