I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
