Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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