Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
