i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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