My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
