Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
