We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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