so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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