i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
