Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize