This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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