She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
