How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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