so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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