did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize