Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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