dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
