they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize