we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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