I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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