Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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