I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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