Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
