the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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