Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
