I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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