I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
