just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
