We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
