I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
