i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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